I can't sleep right now as something is really bothering me. Today I attended an event involving a gathering of Pilipinos/Pil-Ams. An older Pilipina had asked me if I spoke Tagalog. I'm not about to lie about my abilities, so I truthfully told her that I had made the attempt to learn it in classes, but I grew up speaking English only. I wont bother mentioning her name, as her high professional position might be at stake if for some reason her words created some sort of backlash. In front of a large audience of fellow Pilipinos, she then responded, "So, you're a coconut?" This comment caught me off guard, because I find it to be a bit offensive. The way she said it was as if she was trying to get me to admit to have committed some sort of shameful act. I asked her, "What?"... because I didn't know what to say to that. She added, "You're white inside." I was so insulted at that point but I didn't want to make a scene in front of those who were watching. I simply stated, "I am Filipino American."
There really is nothing wrong with being white, yet it seemed that this woman was trying to make me look like a fool in front of my peers. As if I was less deserving to be in their social circle because I'm not "Pilipino enough." I can't apologize for never learning the language as a child because I was not privileged enough to have parents who encouraged me to speak it. I don't need to justify their reasons for doing so as it was not my choice as to what language was spoken in my home.
For this woman to try to get me to identify with a derogatory term and claim to be white inside was insulting. I'm obviously not a caucasian-looking person and I don't identify with being white. I may not speak Tagalog fluently, but I wholeheartedly identify with being a Filipino American; I love my family here in America and I love my family in the Philippines. If agreed to being a "coconut," it would be to completely dismiss my Pilipino heritage. I am aware that my parents are immigrants from the Philippines; their experiences as first generation immigrants will be significantly different than mine, not because I'm supposedly more "white," but because social conditions in America are different than what my parents grew up in. It's upsetting, because this woman, a representative of a successful Pil-Am company, was implying that I didn't deserve to be as prideful of my heritage as her.
I understand that language is one important factor that would help an individual get closer to their roots; that is why I took the effort to study it in college. The reality of my life is that I don't have very many opportunities to speak, and practice the language because those that I am surrounded by at work or school come from different ethnic/cultural backgrounds and English is our common language. Another truth is that language is not the only outlet for get in touch with the Pilipino heritage. There is also art, music, dance, food, family as well as a host of other things.
To imply that I deny my heritage by calling me a coconut, makes my insides turn. Sure, I may not speak her language, but is it really fair to discredit anyone else's experiences just because they aren't exactly like yours?
Still, I find it ironic that on Pilipino Television programs, the characters and celebrities that are depicted in these shows are very westernized and Anglo looking. Additionally, there are some facets of popular culture in the Philippines that seem to emulate American standards. So...Who's the coconut now? Something to think about.
